Dissatisfaction

Transcript

[00:00:00] Fawn: [00:00:00] We weren't supposed to record today. We weren't. No, because,  not because of the show, but I've been experiencing burnout, major burnout, not because of the show. This show gives me life, but check it out. So the book I'm reading burnout. Um,

Matt: [00:00:19] hi, this is a hi this is Our Friendly World with Fawn and Matt

Fawn: [00:00:24] welcome to our friendly world.

It doesn't feel so friendly for me right now. I woke up dissatisfied,

Matt: [00:00:30] but the world is opening back up.

Fawn: [00:00:31] It is, I went to bed mad at you. I woke up even more mad at you. And then we got into a little fight. And during our fight, I said, you know what? Let's record our fight. Let's just record what we're talking about.

Cause it's not a fight the way you think of a fight. The way we fight is we fight the way we do. Just our, whatever, here, here it goes, guys. So emotional exhaustion as defined by, these two ladies who wrote the book "Burnout, The [00:01:00] secret of Unlocking the Stress C ycle, Emily Nagoski, PhD and Amelia Nagoski DMA.

What, what do you want to see? The clever they're twins. Okay. Let's rock. All right. So there are three components of emotional exhaustion, which is what burnout is. Okay. Okay. So number one, emotional exhaustion, the fatigue that comes from caring too much for too long. So when you're worried about someone you love it, doesn't go away.

You're a parent. You're worried. You're frickin worried all the time, never ending.  Personalization is number two, the depletion of empathy, caring and compassion. Number three is decreased sense of accomplishment and unconquerable sense of futility, feeling that nothing you do makes any difference.

I feel number one and number [00:02:00] three, I don't feel number two because empathy is totally there. Compassion is totally there. I feel a decreased sense of accomplishment and I want to cry just saying that, and I feel emotionally exhausted and the way we start our morning together, cause you wake up so much earlier than I do, but then I go to bed at 3 30, 4 o'clock, five o'clock in the morning sometimes.

 And then I wake up early. So I just woke up just upset. And I, the, the way we started our day together was you came in and we started talking and I said, Matt, I am done. I'm done waiting. I want to live my life. We've been waiting for 16 years. Sure, we've done things. We've had different moves. We've had children, you know, we've made things happen, but it feels like we are waiting.

You're waiting on [00:03:00] the perfect job opportunity. I'm waiting for things to take off with my career. I am waiting for this. I'm waiting for that. You're waiting for it your way. All we do is wait and I feel so dissatisfied. And so what's the third one decreased sense of accomplishment.

And one of the things we were talking about today this morning was, I don't. I never wanted to live in Colorado. I don't understand this place. And even though I grew up in California and part of my college education was in Northern California. And then we ended up there for a couple minutes, which was what, two years?

Right around the Sausalito area. It was not okay for me.  Sorry, California. Sorry, Colorado. But honestly, even though Santa Monica is in California, I know guys, but when I... help me figure this out. So this episode today, I want your [00:04:00] help, friends listening  out there,  can you please email me and talk to me because I seriously can't figure this out.

And I don't know if you can, either Matt, cause I, I tell you what I'm feeling and all you do is listen. And I just feel like nothing happens. I need someone to talk to me. It likes to figure this out, but like here we are in Colorado and forgive me , can I just because this, by saying that I do feel burnt out something to say some stuff that seems so futile and I don't mean it to sound that way.

So I don't mean to say all of humanity sucks in Colorado and then all of humanity sucks in California, but just allow me to just be sloppy with the way I'm talking right now, just so I can get my words out so I can understand what it is I'm truly feeling. And if any of you out there feel the same way that I'm feeling, it doesn't have to be about California or Colorado.

But,  it [00:05:00] is, that's the feeling. Please let me know. So here it goes. So, okay. So I'm like, all right, I'm tired of waiting, man. Pandemic aside, it's not just the pandemic. We have been waiting, waiting on whatever it is.  One of the hell moments in my university life was studying English literature and I hate took, took off ski.

Is that how you say his name? It's been so long. I, I hated it. Russian

Matt: [00:05:30] Mader? No, Tchaikovsky's a Russian composer. Chekhov.

Fawn: [00:05:35] Thank you. Oh my God. Thank you. And not the star Trek character. Part of my English literature education was we studied Chekhov and I hated it. It was weird because he's not English.

I know. Right. but we were studying Chekhov and we went to see Chekhov plays and I'm like, can I just curse on this one show? Like I could stop you. No, no, I just, you know, I, I've made a [00:06:00] decision, never to use bad language on our podcast, but I so want to today I'll try not to.

Okay. So the whole time I remember going to this one play, they were like saying next time, next time, next time in I'm blanking out on everything. What's the city called, uh, in Russia, Moscow, Moscow. But are you familiar with some Chekhov?

Matt: [00:06:29] Uh, how much land does a man need? I believe as a checkoff, which is just again,

Fawn: [00:06:33] messed up.

 I've deleted everything Chekhov  out of my head  just sitting through a play was torture like, oh, I guess maybe that was the point. Like the whole play was about waiting.

Matt: [00:06:43] And waiting

for Godot. Is it. 

Fawn: [00:06:45] I don't know if that's Chekhov. No, that's not  Chekhov

we're all over the place. No, I'm, I'm trying to, I'm trying to bring it around, but the whole thing was about waiting and it was pure. Hell, hell. And I'm tired of waiting. I want to live my life. I want to have some [00:07:00] fun. I want to live. And even though we have been living, I feel like we really have not been living.

And maybe because  a few days ago I called Martine for help. Like you just call your friends and you're like, I need you right now. So I called Martine and Martine is a friend of mine and I really want to have her on our show.  She's always on the go.

She is such an inspiration. She always has been . I've known her since I was pretty much a kid.

Like we met in San Francisco. I met her when I was 18 and she, she lives life to the fullest. She doesn't give a fish, you know, fish and chip from our previous episode, I'm trying not to use bad language. She doesn't give a fish and she, you can just see her. She is going down a steep mountain on skis, not even holding her poles, she's holding  her phone [00:08:00] and videotaping herself, like go screaming down this mountain.

Right. And then the next day she's  river rafting, a scary, big wavy river. I don't know how you would describe that. You know what I mean? Like major rapids.  Then she's sipping on margaritas and mojitos with her friends, clink, clink, clink, like, you know, cheering each other. The next day after that, and she's on a yacht,  they're like, uh, and she doesn't care. The world is her playground. She's always in some area of the world enjoying life to the fullest. And even when we were  18, 19, She would laugh in the face of danger.

She would laugh at it like it was a little, what's another word. Instead of using the B word. Like if w if it, the, the B word that describes a female dog, she would look at the horrors of life. Like, it was a little B word, like just in the face of things. She couldn't care a [00:09:00] fish . And that's so inspiring.

So I did talk to her a few days ago and I think that's what, like brought the fire in me again, like God, son of a biscuit, what are we waiting for? This is ridiculous. This is like, I feel like we're in hell. I do. That's how I feel. And I'm like, she's like, well, why don't you just go out and just go out? I'm like, I don't even want to go out.

You don't understand. I don't even want to go out. I don't want to see these people in my community.  I'm sorry to say that. But I feel so disconnected. And even if I think of going somewhere that I like we're bound to run into someone with resting B face that we know.

 I was thinking about it. I'm like, is it just Colorado? Like ever since we moved here, I have not met one person that we can like giggle about. And I'm not saying in a mean way, like giggle about like I'm okay. I, we started to come up with lists of people we [00:10:00] adored and these people, some of them were pains in the tuchuses right.

But they were so awesome. You know what I mean? Even though maybe we didn't even get along, they were fabulous, man. And even at the time I thought they were fabulous. I'm like, okay, I can't hang with them, but guy, they're fabulous. I love them. I love them. And so. We started to make a list. Right? And like, so what is it? 

I'll start with Santa Monica and then, you know, even Washington state, I was telling you once we moved out away from port Townsend, that's when the harshness started for us was when we moved to Bainbridge island.

And it was before we bought the house. All of a sudden there was so much racism, all of a sudden link that was hurled at me.

Matt: [00:10:52] It does feel that way.

Yeah.

Fawn: [00:10:53] It didn't feel that way at all in port Townsend. It's like all of a sudden it happened and it's [00:11:00] been hard ever since, and it's been years and years now.

So let me go back to Santa Monica. I guess we can use this as a nugget of wisdom, but I'll just, I was just remembering, I was talking to KJ and Beth yesterday.  We were talking about different things and I just started talking about some of our friends from the neighborhood that I haven't even talked about on this show, one of them was Don.

Do you remember Don? Would

Matt: [00:11:26] I only met him like two

or three

times.

Fawn: [00:11:28] Okay. So a lot of stuff happened before Matt moved into the neighborhood.

Matt: [00:11:33] Lots of things on both sides.

Fawn: [00:11:36] So what do you mean on both sides?

Matt: [00:11:38] Like I had a life too, you know,

Fawn: [00:11:40] I know. Um, but I'm talking about the whole internship  with Santa Monica, the whole  mentorship and so when I got off of a corporate job, I was a photographer for a  big corporation. That was very cool. But you know, once again, I got burnt out and I left and I said, you know [00:12:00] what? I'd rather serve coffee. Right. And so I did, and we, we worked at this little coffee shop that was also a bookstore.

And I met the greatest people and it was a place I used to go to years before that. And so one of the people from Santa Monica nuggets of wisdom, jewels was Don.  I worked with Don at  the coffee shop and he was like, he kind of looked like and acted like the character from that movie, three weddings and a funeral.

Do you remember that movie? You've never seen it, never seen it. It was a character who was older and he had a beard and he had like the belly and he was the one that was the life of the party.  He had so much wisdom and calm about him. But at the same time  he was off the hook, like crazy in a good way, the life of the party wise, all that stuff. So that was Don and he looked [00:13:00] sloppy, but he was the most intellectual caring, joyful person. He really like just talking to him. It sounded like he had just tasted the best dessert on the planet. You know, when some people talk, you feel like they have food in their mouth, not because they have food in their mouth, but because they have this delicious taste in their mouth, do you understand what I'm saying?

Like when you talk to them, when someone has a great delicious food and then when they talk right after they swallow it, there's this sound quality that comes from the spirit as well as their mouth is satisfied. Like it's, it's just, I don't know. I've always had that, that, that, um, what's the word I've always had that impression of people that are in a good place at that particular second.

And that's what it reminds me of. I'm like, they must have tasted something [00:14:00] delicious, right? It's

Matt: [00:14:00] like they have a secret. No, they have a delicious

Fawn: [00:14:04] secret. You have. It's not that it's a secret, but you have just tasted greatness. You have been satisfied. You've been nourished that second.

Fair

Matt: [00:14:15] enough.

I meant to say they've experienced relampago, or a great enlightenment,

 Fawn: [00:14:21] like a tiramisu,

Matt: [00:14:24] or they've just discerned the meaning of the universe.

Fawn: [00:14:27] But that was done and serving coffee with him was a trip.  He used to be a manager of a really big bookstore in LA called the Phoenix. Do you remember the Phoenix?

Did you ever? I never went to, but you heard about it, right?

Matt: [00:14:39] You never heard about the Phoenix

change of Hobit.

Fawn: [00:14:44] And I want to say it sounds familiar, but maybe because of all your weird Hobbit movies, I don't know exactly ...Tolkin.

Matt: [00:14:51] So go ahead or I'm sorry. Or Opp amp.

Fawn: [00:14:55] Okay. All right. But everyone knew the Phoenix and Santa Monica, the Phoenix [00:15:00] bookstore.

 So we're working at this coffee shop and as soon as he started his shift, he would blast music. It was so worldly and he was Caucasian. And here I am the middle Eastern, right. And middle Eastern, so afraid of really exposing my middle Eastern ways or, you know, my middle Eastern heritage.

Like there's so much that I've had to hide to survive that it's almost taboo for me to listen to anything out loud or to, to expose that to people. But here comes Don. Starts our shift. And  a lot of what he played was Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan.  He would blast this music.

It's very spiritual music. It's a lot of wailing. It's very spiritual. It's beautiful, but it's no doubt, no mistaken, middle Eastern. And he would blast this so loud and he looked intoxicated when he was listening [00:16:00] to it. He didn't do any drugs or anything like that. He drank Pepsi, like a crazy person though.

Like he always had to have cans of Pepsi  he was addicted. That was his thing. But

Matt: [00:16:11] so he's working in a coffee shop, slinging lattes. He just got a coffee under the counter.

Fawn: [00:16:15] Yeah. He didn't drink coffee. It was like, he had to, uh, he traveled with cans of Pepsi. Oh my goodness.

Matt: [00:16:21] Could have saved himself a ton of money because if you work as a barista,

Fawn: [00:16:25] you Pepsi a coffee.

Now that I think about it, that was my nickname. Growing up was Pepsi. I have. That's another story you guys I'll tell you some other time. I think I

Matt: [00:16:35] still have my Pepsi

Fawn: [00:16:36] watch. Right? So he would blast this music and there were, there were these people that didn't really live in the neighborhood. They were very straight laced, Caucasian people, very, um, what's the word?

Uptight, uptight. Uptight is the word. So they would come up to the counter and demand he turn off that music oh dear. [00:17:00] And like, they would say, what is this shot?

Matt: [00:17:05] We need a British food guy.

Fawn: [00:17:06] What is this Shiitake you're listening to turn it off, turn it off. I don't want to hear that. So, and he wouldn't, he would get, he would make them go out there.

Like you get out, get out. You're 86. I'm like what's 86 dog. I learned what 86 meant from our friend Don and our friend, Greg. And so anyway, Greg was another character, Greg. Oh. And by the way, food was a big deal for Don too. Like we w he would gather up all of our friends and on Saturday mornings, like really early, we would go to Chinatown and he knew the best places for Dim Sum, and we would go and he would order everything.  He was the leader and he just knew, and he knew everyone who worked at all the, all these restaurants. It was so great.  And  I remember one day he's like, come on Fawn, we're going to see [00:18:00] the Russian Orthodox priests.

I'm like, where here? He's like, yeah, here. And so we went and he didn't have a car. So , I drove and I don't even remember where it was like, somewhere in LA. I've never been. And we went and listened to them sing, and it was like, we could have been in Siberia for all I know it was outrageous. I'm like, I cannot believe we're in LA.

Like he knew that was, that was Don. That was Don or that is Don, but that was my life with Don. And so anyway, another person is Greg who designed the cover of my photography book and he was also into literature. Oh, by the way. So was Don he managed  that bookstore I was telling you about. And I brought Don up because KJ also has a lot of books.

I'm like, girl, what are we going to do with all our books? Because I'm seriously now running out of space. And she's like, yeah, you know, we have them on the floor now, [00:19:00] like stacks everywhere. And I said, oh my God, that reminds me of Don, like Don also same thing, books everywhere. Great lover of reading literature, everything.

Right. And his headboard was a stack of books. And he would just pick out  grab a book and start reading and bed. Like he didn't have to, you know, like it was all there, but like his headboard was his finest most treasured books was his headboard of his bed.  There's so much I can say about these people.

So Greg, he took one of his favorite books and he got several copies of them and he took all the pages out and  glued them on the wall that was in front of his bed. So as he woke up every morning, opened his eyes, there was a wall he would look at directly in front of him, every page of this book, the way he had it designed, every page of the book was on the wall, front and back.

There was a guy, another guy. [00:20:00] Who was Greg's nemesis  in the neighborhood, a guy that carried around a Raven on his shoulder everywhere he went. And I never talked to him. Most of us never talked to him, but Greg's fiance ended up sleeping with this guy. So we did not like the guy with the Raven.

Gotcha.

Matt: [00:20:18] Yeah, no, no, no. That's that's pretty much, yeah, that's going to happen.

Fawn: [00:20:21] So there was that there was like, there were all these characters, right. Even if we were not best friends, they were our buddies in a way. Do you remember jingles? Did you ever, never met jingles, talked about them any number of times?

So jingles was another character from the neighborhood. Jingles was very tall, probably close to seven feet. He was very tall and very thin and Jingles would always wear  army fatigue, but probably from Cuba, like it looked like a Cuban military outfit and he was covered with what's that [00:21:00] what's the term from the office that they had at that restaurant that they had to wear.

He had flare on him, but the flare was everything vegan. Jingles was the vegan guy and he was always in the neighborhood and he was always downstairs at the OneLife grocery store, where in the back,  there was a juice bar and so most of us in the neighborhood would have shots of wheat grass every day.

And jingles was there everyday and leaning on the counter with his tiny little shot of wheat grass, but he would gargle with it. He would  hold it in his mouth and had this green, drip on the corner, the corner of his mouth

Matt: [00:21:42] drink, your wheat grass juice quickly, right after it's been made, was it loses

Fawn: [00:21:47] something or something he still was.

But like, like even when you read the medical medium, he says, when you're drinking celery juice, it's kind of like oil pulling  you hold the oil in your [00:22:00] mouth for 20 minutes and then you spit it out. It, it extracts the bad stuff out of you and maybe that's what he was doing was maybe it does that because I know celery juice, the medical medium says, yeah, if you're having like issues with a mouth, you know, just hold it in your mouth for a while.

So maybe it was that kind of a thing. But jingles had all these buttons on him that were so Anti meat like meat is murder. And like, there was a Smith, there was a famous, there is a famous fast food restaurant that has a letter on it that we all know of. And he had that, that, like, he had many buttons about that chain of restaurant,

and there was an anti symbol on it. And instead of , you know, make whatever it was, Mick shrimp, let's just say Shataki. The four, the four letter word Shataki is too close to it.  He was fiercely vegan. [00:23:00] He was militant vegan. He wasn't angry, but he was a militant vegan. That was his thing all day, every day.

 That was his deal. And he always, and everything environmentally friendly, of course. So he had a bike and everything on the bike, and I don't even know what he did for a living, but we all knew jingles in the neighborhood.   Just, you know, so many characters, there were so many great guys and

Matt: [00:23:28] gals, the guy who would do the, um, scanning for the Vatican.

Fawn: [00:23:35] What was, how was he? Oh my God. Why am I blanking on people's names right now? It was Greg for some reason. Oh, that's not Greg, but yeah, you're right. He also worked with me on some projects and he was also another creative   he did the scanning for the Vatican's scan documents. Yeah. He's

Matt: [00:23:51] oh my

Fawn: [00:23:52] goodness.

Remember? Yeah, he was, he had an in with the Vatican. He was doing all their art, like scanning their art, all this stuff that was [00:24:00] put away for centuries. He got to hold and experience.  We had so many characters.  I forgot. I'm like, oh my God, am I done with nuggets of wisdom?

And then yesterday, and this morning, I'm like, oh, I forgot. No, there are all these people. It is non-stop. The amount of influence the amount of human interaction of inspiration out there. I'm just that I'm not getting here. And I did not get in Northern California that I did not get on Bainbridge island.

And I'm like, well, was it to Santa Monica? We're like, no. So this morning we were talking about Port Townsend in the oddities and Port Townsend, and that were so lovable. Like, remember Joe,

Matt: [00:24:47] Mr. Uptown

Fawn: [00:24:48] espresso. Oh my God, Joe, like jingles was his thing was veganism and vegan, vegan militant. Joe was that way with coffee,

Matt: [00:24:58] which meant he [00:25:00] had just a brilliant name.

That's why, you know, it's forever chewy because his name was Joe. Yeah. Like in the morning, Joe.

Fawn: [00:25:08] Yeah. He was all about traveling the world and becoming the best barista. And he went to

Matt: [00:25:12] contests and, oh my God. And he was like, flipped out about the subject. Now I enjoy a cup of coffee, but my Lord, this

man.

Fawn: [00:25:22] Everyone  had so much flavor. It was unbelievable. I'm like, is this for real, , remember Sheniqua, her name was Sheniqua.

She invited us to pick apples in our yard

Matt: [00:25:33] and she, yeah. Not relevant to the show, but I remember she bought plans for a house off the interweb. She

Fawn: [00:25:40] did. Yeah. So you had conversations with

Matt: [00:25:43] people we're in the process of either splitting their land or buying land. And she bought plans for a house on the internet and you're like, excuse me, just strange.

And she was going to have an architect, build it for her, which is just like, huh. It was very weird, but that's just, it, [00:26:00] people just went for it.

Fawn: [00:26:01] Right. And she was a clerk at the grocery store. I'm like, how can you afford to do that? Like, wow. Right,

Matt: [00:26:06] right. And I remember I ran into a guy who was wanting me to design a software program for him that would simulate.

Uh, and I probably shouldn't even say, but I think it's actually been done, but he was a board. No, no, no, not the Buddha board. This was, we had a long conversation. He had done his homework, his research. He had figured out how much games cost and the whole bit, but he wanted a game that would actually simulate the entire life cycle of a Wolf.

Wow. And, you know, he just, he fascinated with wolves and I think he'd studied them and yeah, just, wow. And, and let's not forget, uh, Mr. Rock Ray. So I don't know how you met him. I know he was looking at tons of noise and you went in to say hi to him one day. I think, yeah. I met him first. No,

Fawn: [00:26:54] you brought him up.

I wasn't going to say anything, but you're like, what's going on over there. We were in the shipyards [00:27:00] and there was this alley and there was light coming out of it. Like everything was kind of gray that day. The sun was about to set, but then there was this orange, pink, like gold light that was coming out of this dark hole in the wall.

And you're like, what's going on there? Right. And we just walk in and we're like, hello? And we became friends with Ray. He

Matt: [00:27:22] was, he was, uh, he was a welder, and I don't know where he was. It was somewhere along the U S Canadian border. And I don't know if it was Montana. I don't know if it was Idaho found a rock and this rock was not small.

It wasn't humongous.

Fawn: [00:27:38] He fell in love with a rock.

Matt: [00:27:40] He put it in the bed of his truck, so it fit in his truck. But I think it was, you couldn't have fit three of these rocks in this truck, you know, in a normal pick them up and brought it home.

Fawn: [00:27:54] Like he fell in love with a rock and said, you're coming home with me, babe.

And it's

Matt: [00:27:58] like, I think about like [00:28:00] geologists and a thousand years, it wasn't even a geology. Everything is rebel and they find this rock in port Townsend and they, they try it. They try and theorize how it got there. I don't think they're going to come up with some random dude

and his pickup.

Fawn: [00:28:13] Oh my God. And remember Ray introduced us to his friend from Germany

so we went to her house one day and she was obsessed with chocolate. And she was German and she, she would have the most beautiful boxes of chocolate that she would offer us every time there was a new box. Every is, she had chocolate every, every day. She also had weapons under her staircase that Ray had, um, put there, like she built like a secret, but like people were absurdly crazy in Port Townsend

and like everybody had their quirks, but they were lovable in a fun, like extraordinary way. Yes. Remember,  the interior designer and her husband across the [00:29:00] street.  What was the store called that we lived on Aldridge's . First of all, there was a store in port Townsend called Aldridge's market Aldridge's market, and it burned down and people were so distraught that they brought in psychotherapists from other places to console people.

Matt: [00:29:18] Like a  KJ

Fawn: [00:29:19] like a KJ. So people needed to be consoled because the grocery store burned down. No one was hurt. The grocery store burned down and people were devastated, not financially, but because that's how much they cared for one another and their businesses, it wasn't about business. It was about community and Aldridge's was like the center of the community.

So they were traumatized. And so what they did was they rebuilt it down to that. Remember they were so proud that when they rebuild Aldridge's they made sure that the stairs creaked exactly the same Creek as the old.

Matt: [00:29:59] Yes. But it [00:30:00] wasn't the same place because I don't think the old one had condos on top.

Fawn: [00:30:03] Yeah. They built condos on top, which we ended up renting. One of them. That's where we big story, not today. And we made, we made so many friends there, but anyway, so interior designer, husband, or across the street and everyone, first of all, would invite us to dinner and the most fun times and conversations, it was like a Santa Monica.

 , it was so much fun. We would go to costume parties for no reason.

Matt: [00:30:32] Wait a second. There was a reason that

Fawn: [00:30:34] was the new year's Eve. That was a ball for, but they celebrated everything. Do you remember there was a parade at the drop of a dime? Yes. Like all of a sudden the whole town would stop. The police would come with their police, yellow tape do not cross here.

And I remember when we first saw it, we're like what happened? Cause we're from LA we're like, oh God, um, [00:31:00] everything's stopped. All the businesses stopped for 10 minutes because the whole town brought all their tricycles out to have the toddlers, have a tricycle race through the main street and it was over and they wrapped up the tape and resumed the day.

Like we liked it and we're still standing there with our jaws, like right. Hanging, like,

Matt: [00:31:22] right. But it's like, we like to say, you know, if you throw parties all the time, you know how to make these things happen. Right. Exactly. You know, they had a rubber duck, Derby, they had bed, race, they had pet parade, they had and on and on and on and on very strong sense of community.

Fawn: [00:31:38] They had a parade for everything and they loved art and they loved movies. Remember movie nights, they would block the streets and film Fest. The film festival. I have a film

Matt: [00:31:49] festival for God's sake. What the

Fawn: [00:31:51] heck you guys, port Townsend is a, is a tiny, tiny place. Shout out to you. Port Townsend, you know, they warned us too all of [00:32:00] our people in Port Townsend.

And when, when we had to leave all of a sudden, because, , the place we were renting ,the landlord wanted it back for her mother. So we were out like in three weeks we had to be out. It was, it was quite jarring. So we ended up just going to Banbridge. And they were like, why did you do that? Don't do that.

We're like, it's too late. We already, we already did it. Like we had to find a place real quick. I think that was one of the worst mistakes we did maybe.  We can go on about the characters we met. Even the acupuncturist was like a trip to me. I won't

Matt: [00:32:37] say well, just meeting like Sweet Laurette's daughter.

Fawn: [00:32:41] Oh my God. Sweet Laurette on talking about her, Laura. Okay. So across the street, what was this restaurant called? Sweet laureates. And Cindy's yeah. Matt will not forget the Cindy's ever sweet. Laura Sweet Laurette's was this French restaurant owned by this amazing friend of ours, Laurette, [00:33:00] who is probably a lawyer now, like last I heard she sold it.

She  started dating our other favorite business in town, which was that bookstore, that secondhand bookstore, um, but like the best food. And she was this amazing chef who studied in France.  And it was just being there was magical. And we were inspired by her because she had two young daughters who ran the business with her.

It

Matt: [00:33:28] was amazing. Stop by in the morning, get some coffee. And it was just like, I mean, this, the, the younger girl would take care of us and she was maybe 10 or 11,

Fawn: [00:33:39] and then she was nine or

Matt: [00:33:39] something and totally gracious and lovely. And God, the size of those cups of coffee, they were like, Awesome. They were

Fawn: [00:33:49] proper.

They're exactly what you would get in Paris. When you get like a hot chocolate or a coffee, it's a bowl. It's like a cereal bowl, coffee or hot chocolate. [00:34:00] It was proper, but like, well, I can, I can go on and on with amazing personalities and amazing connections of each community. Why can't I do that in Colorado?

And why couldn't I do that in the Sausalito area? Marin all these other places. So I'll ask the question again that I asked before we started the friendship movement. It actually started on Bainbridge island. Is it us? It must be us. And then that's when we started to do some serious research and that's when our research it's really started.

Forming was in 2006, 2007. Was when we realized there's an, a loneliness epidemic happening. It's not just us. Society is rapidly shifting and becoming de fragmented that we don't even hang out with each other anymore. I would say more

Matt: [00:34:51] fragmented, not de fragmented, but

Fawn: [00:34:53] they deep fragment. I'm sorry, fragmented.

But is it just me? I mean, I know Angela is listening out there. I know [00:35:00] Kelly's listening out there. I know Wendy's listening out there. These are our  friends in Colorado. Please. Don't take this personally. I'm not talking about you guys, but do you understand what I'm saying? How many people can you name that are so outrageous?

Like the ones we just quickly really seriously at the top of our heads just threw out there and described, how can we say that about anyone in Colorado?

Matt: [00:35:25] That's a good question.

Fawn: [00:35:27] Maybe it's just me maybe because I'm so dissatisfied. And emotionally exhausted. I don't know what it is guys. And I don't want to feel this way.

I feel like such a hypocrite. And I also feel angry. I'm angry at these people that I'm just, I just, I w I want to move. This is not my place. Maybe that's just, it. Maybe it's just me, but you're in it to cause it, because you're married to me and I'm influencing you, like you can't name anyone out here,  like a jingles or a Joe [00:36:00] or Greg or the Raven guy.

We weren't friends with the Raven guy, but he was still a lovable character, even though he did sleep with Greg's fiance.

Matt: [00:36:09] Well, I've been certainly this past year. We've been very isolated, but I was pretty heads down even before then.

Fawn: [00:36:15] Yeah. But we weren't, we weren't in Santa Monica and we weren't in Port Townsend.

. I don't know how, I don't know where to go with this episode, but I just wanted to ask you guys for help, that are listening. I mean, we're here for you every week. I think I need you here for me this week. Can you please write to me

and help me get out of this funk. I don't want to feel this way about our fellow human beings,

Matt: [00:36:42] right? Yeah, no. And I totally get it as I was about to say. Yeah, no, no, no, no, no, absolutely. Cause that's, I guess my catchphrase now, even though I don't know I'm doing it, but um, well I have to say,  Ned had potential until of course I ruined it and,

Fawn: [00:36:58] but even led had no [00:37:00] potential.

I wouldn't say what characters do we think of when we think of.

Matt: [00:37:06] I think we were close to maybe finding some, I'll be honest.

Fawn: [00:37:10] The thing, when you find them, you see them from a mile away and I wouldn't say you're wrong. Okay.

Matt: [00:37:15] And that's fine. I mean, everybody is so heads down working heads down, grinding heads down, raising children, heads down, heads down heads down.

Fawn: [00:37:24] So wrapped up in their own belief systems or their way of life. Right. But

Matt: [00:37:30] like, it feels like we wake up in the morning and we're already behind.

Fawn: [00:37:35] Yeah absolutely. And me, I won't even go to sleep cause I'm like, I gotta catch up on work. So I'm up until 3 30, 4, sometimes five in the morning.

Matt: [00:37:44] Um, and then I wake up sometimes at two or three and I think about all the things I have to do and I can't sleep.

Fawn: [00:37:54] And we didn't feel this way before. But, you know, that's just us though. [00:38:00] I'm talking about people. No, I'm saying that's just us in the way where we're looking at life by, like, where are the people? Where are people, where are our people?

Matt: [00:38:13] Or you certainly found a few of online.

Fawn: [00:38:16] Yes, I did online. I'm talking about right here, looking out my window, our window, you know, Martine like just go outside.

I'm like, I don't want to Martine. I don't want to. And she's like, well, you guys, you guys should have moved to Miami. And I'm like, well, Shataki you're right. But we didn't. So here I am. What am I supposed to do?

I don't know, man. Where do we go from here?

Matt: [00:38:47] That is a great question. You know, I think people in Colorado are sweet. I think people in Colorado are smart. I think people in Colorado are [00:39:00] certainly focused on their longterm goals. And yeah, I have to say there's not a lot of

Fawn: [00:39:07] boring

Matt: [00:39:10] letting their freak flag fly.

There's not a lot of real experimentation. I think the world has gotten scared of like experimentation. You know, I don't want, when I was young, it was okay for me to be bad

Fawn: [00:39:21] at it. But here's the thing. Most of the people that we're talking about in port Townsend were in their seventies and eighties.

Those were our friends. And guess what? Like, remember I was talking about one of our friends, our neighbors, she was 70, 70 something. She got a motorcycle one day. She's like, I'm going to learn how to ride a motorcycle. And I'm not talking like a Vespa she got a big motorcycle and I'm not talking about a Harley either.

Cause those seem like a cush ride. This was a motorcycle, like, like, you know, like a standard motorcycle from the 1970s kind [00:40:00] of manly motorcycle. It was not like a cushy motorcycle with all the, the boxes on it and stuff. Do you know what I mean? Like you had to use balance too. It was a bicycle that was a motorized, but it was big.

And one day she showed up with a leather jacket and a helmet. She's like, I'm riding a bike now. And she was the one where she was like, you guys are young, you can do anything you want in your life. I'm like, we're young, really? Like, thank you. Do you know what I mean? She had obviously some years on us, but come on.

It's not a, it's not about age.

Matt: [00:40:39] I always talk about the best time to start doing something was probably a year ago. The second best time is right now. And that's always been the case

Fawn: [00:40:48] that stresses me out when you say that. Cause you know, we'll talk about feeling behind all the time. So if you start with saying the best time to start, something was a year ago, it's like, wow.

Geez, thanks honey. It's too late. Now

[00:41:00] Matt: [00:41:00] it just means seize it, go for it. You know, I think we focused way too much on the momentum Maury part of the saying, because everybody knows the saying Carpe diem, and that sounds so pithy and so sweet. But at the time there was the counter-argument, which was momentum Mori, which is remember you must die.

And I think we focused, we as a, as a family focused more on that side of things, even on a subconscious level,

Fawn: [00:41:27] I'm just still remembering some of our friends, like now they're like really popping up. Do you remember Kimba? Did you ever meet Kimba? My friend Kimba. Worked in the advertising field. I was about to say, didn't we go to her

Matt: [00:41:39] office.

Fawn: [00:41:40] We did.

Matt: [00:41:41] Yeah. Thank you. Took me to her

Fawn: [00:41:42] office. And I met her there. Yeah. So Kimba was known for her laughter, but the sound of her laughter and she was such a wonderful giving person. She was like a mother, even though she was young, she was a nurturer, but she also knew all [00:42:00] the gangsters around from all different sects of gangs.

All she had to do was barely make a phone call and things would happen. It was amazing. And her laugh was so wildly. I want to say peculiar different. That is she. That I'll tell you what, she didn't just a second, but she was also like, she had so many aspects to her life and so many connections to all these other lives.

Like one of the, was she because of her laughter she would get invited to, I don't know if it's called this, but like an SM S and M club. So people that wanted to have like a sexual experience of like, I guess like with, you know, with the leather and the whips and stuff, but their fetish would be while they were having sex being ridiculed.

So, no, that [00:43:00] was just their thing. But like, so she would be, they would pay her to be in her room. Like not in the same room, but in another room and there would be a window and she would just laugh her laugh while they were going for it. Like she had the oddest stories. Like here

Matt: [00:43:17] it is peculiar.

Fawn: [00:43:19] I mean, how interesting do you know what I mean?

I miss that, honey. I miss that, that kind of like looking and talking to your friend who obviously has a wildly different perspective and different experience and we're friends and we're friends. Do you know what I mean? And it's, there's no judgment and it's just funny. It's inspiring. Her laughter was not only inspired by this group over here, but by everyone who met her much, like my friend Martine

she laughs at the face of [00:44:00] danger, she laughs at the face of fear. Mm.

I feel alone. I have to say, I feel so alone. Okay. And I know I'm here to be for you guys, but I really need you.

That's it, babe. You want to put a bow on it or say something because I'm just going to leave it at that. I need help. And I'm not talking about psychotherapy help. I'm talking about, I need help. I need you guys to reach out to me and share some cool stories. If some, if you have a laugh or if you know of a Raven guy or you are the Raven guy or I miss you,

Matt: [00:44:46] I think it's one of the aspects of our society is.

You know, people feel so exposed when they reveal details about themselves. I mean, for me personally, it's like, and I've, I think I've talked about this before on the [00:45:00] show, but it's like, I'm vegan. Right? Okay. Fine. Whatever. Um, you know, I don't make it a point to bring that up. I don't make it a point to stand on a soap box.

I don't make it a point to do any of that stuff. And so it's always quirky to me when I'm working at a job, especially now, cause everybody's remote. So nobody actually sees what I eat on a daily basis and nobody's asked me out to lunch. And so we haven't had to have these conversations, which just sucked by the way, day one at a job.

They want to take you to lunch. It's just kind of a tech thing. Uh, or, and it's probably just a thing, period. They'll take out to lunch first day, which is nice. Super nice. But on day one, you have to reveal to the world you're a vegan because God help you. If they take you to a steak place or something that has absolutely nothing vegan, or you need to ask the waitress, what here is vegan.

It's like we hide, we hide these aspects of who we are to quote unquote blend in. But in the process we turn into just this vanilla soup and it's not, [00:46:00] um, it's not unappetizing, but it, it, it limits us it, you know, we don't, we don't, we don't draw power from our uniqueness.

Fawn: [00:46:09] You know, I don't know. Is that the, do you think that's the core of the problem is that I remember I had a job that I hated.

It was at a photo lab in Santa Monica and the pay sucked and the corporate heads were like coming down on the manager to like, be extra hard on us and. So this guy, the manager of this lab had his own office up the stairs. And there was a, there was a door he would close the door and go up the stairs to his own sanctuary.

And we were downstairs. And part of my job was, um, I had to load film, but those back in the day, when we used film and I had to go and load the film and negative darkness. And so we had all these stickers around and each sticker had a [00:47:00] different saying on it, you know, because you're using different chemistry, there's different kinds of film.

And, um, but a lot of them have said, you know, do not open, open, do not open a light. You know, like all these stickers, we had so many different messages. They were stickers that you would stick on the film canisters before you go into the negative darkness room to put things in the bath. Right. And so one day I got so mad at our boss.

He went, he closed the door and he went up into his office and I took all these stickers and I just put them on the door and the, in the doorway. So like if he opened the door yeah. But not stuck with it, we would be stuck behind the door. Like, obviously it's just a thin little sticker that doesn't hold you anywhere.

Do you know what I mean? But I, I, that was my freak flag that day. And you know what? I [00:48:00] didn't get fired because that was my way to communicate to him. Dude, I feel dissatisfied. And you know what? We all had a laugh about it. Cause he came on. He was what is w what, what? And then he looked at the door behind him when he came out.

He's like, what? In the world? Cause I went for it. Every sticker, you can just put it on there. Do you know what I mean? Or like, even in the same lab, I had a friend who. It had a dartboard and every time he felt frustrated and he needed a win, he would go throw the dart from far away and he would hit bulls eyes every time.

And he would scream bully bulls-eye and we would laugh hysterically and we felt so much better. Do you know what I mean? Absolutely. There are tiny little things, but that was our freak flag flying. Right. And there was no getting fired from it. There was like, it was communication.

Matt: [00:48:58] It's important [00:49:00] to let your freak flag fly.

It's important for you to release your stress it's, you know, in order to avoid burnout, it's, it's important to play. I mean, I do. I do ridiculous, stupid things. I'm fair. I'm still my little eight year old self who just likes having a giggle basically. But I have multiple orange t-shirts and why anybody would have more than one is astonishing, but I have multiple, whatever

Fawn: [00:49:30] you play funny jokes that no one gets that no one gets like, you'll like, you'll be like, okay, everybody, like you'll tell us, like, tell why are you going to tell them, hurry up and get to

Matt: [00:49:40] the point.

I wore an orange shirt to every, uh, for a week, every day to see if anybody would notice no one says anything. No one noticed God. It was even worse. Oh my God. So Fridays, I like to play and I play play. And it's it's [00:50:00] about opening the door and seeing who will come through. And I have God, it's stupid. I know it's ridiculous.

I know I have many zoom backgrounds. If you go looking for zoom backgrounds, there's a shot. Look for Shutterstock. They gave out like a freebie and it's like 50 gorgeous zoom backgrounds, just places, different colors, different feelings. And so I always flip up and I have others besides those, but I always change them around.

And then, um, somebody mentioned how great it would be if there was a zoom that monitored your mood. And I was just, I was in a weird mood and I was like, yeah, but if it shows something depressing, then people would, you know, want to ask what's wrong and there's nothing wrong with that. But sometimes you don't want to, sometimes you want to hide.

And I was like, maybe it would be better if you know, it would show something mega happy when you were feeling blue. And so just before it's my turn to talk. It was a standup. Everybody talks. I flipped my zoom [00:51:00] background to a smiley face. Just to see who would, who would go along for the ride. And one of the guys did cause he immediately said, yeah, ma what's wrong.

Oh, it was very cute. And Marshall's are very good sweet guy actually. Um, although he hides it rather well, um, but he was willing to open go through that door and you know, that, you know, because I am down to clown at least on Fridays, um, you know, it opens these doors, but I think so many people are so afraid to, because I don't know what they're afraid of.

I think maybe the workplace feel, people feel like it's turned into high school instead of being college, because college was an experimental, crazy time where it's like, you're allowed to be really, really, in some cases it's really stupid. Um, you know, it was the UN um, unsaid policy of my school to, uh, if you I'm saying, oh way too much, somebody getting mad at me.

Okay. Um, and I did it again. I can't, people can't help [00:52:00] it. I have to think anyways, if you, if you got, there were RAs resident assistants and, and there were, you know, adults, quote-unquote adults. Cause we were all just, you know, uh, teenagers basically in college. But if you were like fried off your butt, like on, you know, intoxicating subjects, um, substances, they would take you and put you in psychiatric lockdown for like 24 hours.

That sounds horrible. And no record would ever appear anywhere. Okay.

Fawn: [00:52:34] So they would take care of you. So

Matt: [00:52:36] they would take care care of you because college is meant to be a time for experimenters, figuring out who you are as opposed to high school being this time for you to kind of go with the herd was, was a lot of what high school was.

I think for me, Even though I led my herd. It's still, you had to be the herd, had a certain look, a certain feel, a certain vernacular, a certain everything. [00:53:00] And I think what we're looking at is the work, the workplace, and even society has turned much more high school in college.

Fawn: [00:53:07] I think it's depression. I think when people are depressed, they don't notice things.

They don't want to, they don't care. They don't care that you're wearing the same shirt. They probably think they probably don't even see it. And if they see it, they probably, I don't know what they think, but it's depression. And I want to say, and I'm not talking about clinical depression, but it's like, remember the three things that I started to say is a burnout.

It's emotional exhaustion. The fatigue that comes from caring too much for too long. I think what it is is depersonalization the depletion of empathy, caring and compassion. I think. I think that's, what's really going on. And the other one was decreased sense of accomplishment, you know, an unconquerable sense of futility feeling [00:54:00] that nothing you do makes any difference.

And you know what? I even in Sausalito when there were so many racist people living around us and we had no friends there, I was like, I still, the kids were really little and I was still like, you know, F it, I'm going to go out and do something that makes me laugh. That would have happened in Santa Monica.

Like something that would have been done by a bunch of us in Santa Monica. And so I remember one day when it was raining and I'm like, okay, girls, let's go for a walk in the rain and splashing some puddles and instate. Instead of taking an umbrella, I took a beach umbrella and walked with it, like as if it was a normal umbrella.

On the sidewalk and no one talked to us, nothing, no comments, nothing but inside best believe I was giggling [00:55:00] so hard to myself. Like I'm carrying around a beach umbrella. Like it's a little umbrella. I took out of my purse as we're walking and it starts sprinkling a beach umbrella folks. It's like six feet wide minimum and multicolor six and a half feet.

Yeah. With the, you know, the beach umbrella, like a stereotypical beach umbrella with all the different triangles of light on it. And the flaps, you know, I mean, nobody said anything, nobody even smiled, but oh, well I got to do it for myself, but here's the thing. I haven't even had the energy to do anything like that.

Right. Like I've lost the will in a way, like. I don't. I don't have that any right now.

Matt: [00:55:46] Well, the key to me is that I wore an orange t-shirt every day to see if anyone would notice nobody noticed, but that wasn't the point. I was expecting that response. And that's what I got it's it's [00:56:00] about me doing it for me.

It's not about me doing it for recognition or for response. It's just about

Fawn: [00:56:06] me doing it, but that who cares, this is contagious because now I have it. It's like, oh, who cares? Like when you say I'm going to do this this whole week, I'm like deep down. I got to say, I'm standing there going, who cares, man? Ah, I care.

Yes it is. I agree with you. But I'm saying that that disease has come inside of me. I don't care, but I care enough to obviously have a conversation about it right now and say, I don't want to be that way. I want to live. See for

Matt: [00:56:36] me, that's what I want to live. Because because you're right. I think I fall prey to number three, because it seems like we're doing, I'm doing so much more and, and things that I would agonize over for, you know, days or a week, I do three of those a day.

It feels like sometimes. And I just do it because I need to get it done because I need to move on [00:57:00] to the next.

Fawn: [00:57:01] Okay. I want to wrap this up because I'm also burnt out in having to edit all these episodes that are so long, but let's just wrap it up with this bow. So burnout is when you're in a constant state of stress, it doesn't end because the cycle doesn't end.

We don't get to a place where we're like, phew, that's over. We don't get that. It's always going to the next thing. And the next thing, right? So from this book, I will share with you the things that they share that will get you out of that cycle. Like it will stop the cycle of stress. One of them is breathing exercises.

So you breathe. The other one is, um, to have some sort of positive social interaction, which is what we're about. If you can't do that, find a way to laugh. And folks I'm gonna say even last week, none of these really helped, except for I realized the social interaction because [00:58:00] I talked to a few buddies and just balled on the phone.

So positive social attraction. Laughter will get you out of it. Like put on something that just makes you laugh Affection. So like we've instituted this six second kiss. You can't kiss and just do a Peck of a kiss. We kiss for six seconds straight or hug on even ground holding each other until you sense, like some change in direction.

So holding each other and a big, old cry is the other one to get you out of the stress cycle, just a big cry. It reminds me of when there's finally a rainstorm and it's heavy and it just washes everything away. And when it's over, the birds are chirping, the sky is blue and all the trees are glowing and sparkling.

And the last one is [00:59:00] creative expression, whatever that

Matt: [00:59:03] is like running an orange t-shirt five days in a row,

Fawn: [00:59:07] engaging in creative activities. You know, it could be, it could be sports, it could be art, it could be painting sculpture, theater, storytelling, whatever is a creative thing, but that's what well that's.

Those are some tools to get you out of that burnout,

Matt: [00:59:26] have some fun, let your

Fawn: [00:59:27] freak flag fly. I don't have fun anymore. That's another show I want to do. I want to do a show on fun and a show on funny, because nothing seems like fun to me. And nothing seems funny to me anymore right now. Anyway, please. I'm begging you.

Can you email me? You could either go to the, our friendly word podcast.com. You could go to our friendly world.com and there's an email option, please. Can you use it to help me out this time? [01:00:00] Anyway, how do you want to close the show? Sounds like you did really. Can you put a pretty little bow on it

Matt: [01:00:09] I said, let your freak flag fly

Fawn: [01:00:12] and don't be afraid. Well, maybe repeat it and bring it

Matt: [01:00:14] back. Be afraid. Just be you. What if

Fawn: [01:00:17] you have no energy, it's not that you're afraid. You're like, why bother

Matt: [01:00:22] it's enough to wear a scarf or a headband or just something that makes you chuckle F fish, the world fish and chip?

No, just fish the world because the sea where it is not one I like to use. No,

Fawn: [01:00:38] I don't like to use the word either, but Bish the word polling fabs

Matt: [01:00:42] have some be down to clown. Have some fun, even if it's just for you, especially if it's just for you, because that sounds an awful lot. Like self

care.

Fawn: [01:00:52] I don't wanna, I just wanna move.

I don't see this happening in Colorado. Honestly. People come on. [01:01:00] All right. Well,

Matt: [01:01:04] I still love you. Colorado

Fawn: [01:01:06] love is winning. I'm not smiling. All right, guys, we'll talk to you soon in a few days. Tune in. Be well, bye.