Don't Worry, Be Happy - A How-To Guide on Friendship and Wellbeing

Don't Worry Be Happy - How To
[00:00:00] FAWN: Welcome back. 
[00:00:01] MATT: Here we go. 
[00:00:01] FAWN: Hi everyone. Welcome back. Welcome back. Hello. Alright, so one of the big reasons why friendship is so important. You know, I always said from the very beginning, over three years ago when we started this, I said, I'm really miffed at all these professionals and like famous psychologists and famous speakers out there mm-hmm.
[00:00:28] FAWN: That say, oh, you know, friendship is so important. If you don't have friendship. It's like having, how many packs of cigarettes a day do they say? Like, some outrageous amount, like 80. Yeah. Or it's going to cause you to have Alzheimer's. It's gonna cause you to have heart attacks and all this stuff. And then they leave you right there.
[00:00:46] FAWN: Like, thanks, bye 
[00:00:47] MATT: fearmongering. Bye. Gotta love it. 
[00:00:50] FAWN: But it's like, hello. Why don't we talk about the whole point of friendship and actually be there for one another and actually have conversations about life together. Right? That's why. It's important because when we talk about things, when we share each other's experiences, when we listen to one another, we realize how beautifully connected we are, and a pressure gets relieved from our hearts, from our spirits.
[00:01:22] FAWN: That is what makes you healthy. And so what we've been doing here, and I think that what we've been doing here is. That's it. Our entire raison d'etre is to be talking about friendship and to just be there for one another, invite you to our home every week and have conversations, any conversation, because it's all related to friendship.
[00:01:50] FAWN: It's all about being together. It's all about being each other's witnesses. It's about. That sounds kind of negative, doesn't it? It does. You? Well, I always say Matt is my witness because some things go down or like weird things happen or funny things happen. Outrageous things happen. Unbelievable things happen.
[00:02:10] FAWN: And you've been my witness. I have. So for example, like when our first child was born, how old was Elle when she said what she said? Three months old. 
[00:02:20] MATT: Yeah, it was pretty scary. 
[00:02:22] FAWN: She wasn't even three months old, was she? She was in the crib, you guys, it was before three months old. And she said a full on sentence and she said it pretty perfectly right.
[00:02:34] FAWN: And we were terrified. Now if I had heard it and no one else did, no one would've believed me. But we were each other's witnesses, right? So our little baby before the age of three months old. Pitch black outside wakes up. And we were a little bit awake too. We were totally awake actually. Like as soon as she started stirring, we would wake up, right?
[00:02:59] FAWN: Because we were nervous parents like that. Nervous. First time parents we're nervous. 
[00:03:04] MATT: Parents 
[00:03:05] FAWN: still are guys. We still are. Oh my God. Now I know why people look old all of a sudden. It's from worrying, which is the topic of today's conversation. But anyway, all right, kid. Said, what time is it like that?
[00:03:22] FAWN: Before the age of three months. She now 
[00:03:25] MATT: why? From her crib. Why would she say 
[00:03:26] FAWN: that? Because every time she cried in the middle of the night, I had to breastfeed or change her diaper and Matt would wake me up if I wasn't awake or, or you know, he would try to help me get up because I was still recovering from a major botched
[00:03:46] FAWN: c-section. Right. Um, but my first thing was what time is it? Because I, I was never, it, it seemed like every time I did fall asleep, I would have to wake up 20 minutes later. Right. It was torture Anyway, for anyone who has kids or will ever have kids. Just a note. The first three months are the hardest. As long as you know that you'll be fine.
[00:04:11] MATT: It's a marathon too. 
[00:04:12] FAWN: And then all of a sudden, at three months, they start smiling and giggling. Hopefully 
I 
[00:04:19] MATT: describe it as the first three months, your foot is like down on the gas pedal all the way, and then at three months your foot lifts like a millimeter and it feels like, aaaahhh!. And then of course the gas pedal's still completely down, but it doesn't feel quite so intense.
[00:04:34] FAWN: The fun, you start having more fun after three months. But anyway, so today's topic, you guys, of course, it's about friendship and I just wanted to pass along something to you that was passed on to me and something that I practiced. Along. I mean, not that we did it on purpose, this practice, but it just happened again, something wise from the mentor, the original mentor of Friendship, Santa Monica. Whenever we worried and we had a lot to worry about. Mainly it was financial. Mm-hmm. Welcome to the United States. You don't have health insurance, you're in trouble. You don't have car insurance, you're in trouble. Most likely you will have car insurance before you have health insurance. So the welfare of your car, especially in LA, comes first.
[00:05:27] FAWN: And then your health. How stupid is that? You wonder why our society is so broken. I mean, that's just one tiny example, right? So we would worry like, oh my God, how am I gonna pay the rent? Oh my God, what am I doing with my life? Oh my goodness. You know, like there was always something to worry about. But because we had this bond of friendship, naturally what would happen is, As soon as we had a worrisome thought or someone was stressed out, we would go out rollerblading, roller skating, going to the beach, dipping our toes in the water, having some fun of some sort.
[00:06:13] FAWN: But here's the thing, the lesson was always, reverse: go to the opposite of what you were thinking about. So if you're worried about money, for example, have the extreme thoughts, you're thinking, there's no money in my bank account for rent. You have the thought of, I would enjoy having many millions in my bank account.
[00:06:41] FAWN: How awesome would that be? How awesome would is this? How amazing is it to have access to millions of dollars at my fingertips to be able to buy anything I wanted to not worry about going to the dentist or whatever. Just knowing that all is well and thinking about what you feel when you're worrying and what you feel when you have the opposite thoughts is completely liberating when you have the opposite thought of whatever you're worrying about.
[00:07:17] FAWN: So the point of friendship is, have you noticed when you're with friends, you can just kind of goof around and start laughing even at misery, and then together you feel stronger and you're like, you can't get me down, man. You know what I'm saying? And you know, at the extreme you can say, let's just go to happy hour.
[00:07:42] FAWN: F it. Let's just go dancing, or let's just be rowdy or whatever makes you feel happy. Of course, in a beneficial sense, like, you know, of course, of course doing no harm to yourself or anyone else, but just like being a kid and have some fun. Forget about the worrisome thoughts. When I was in, college, I don't know if you can call it that, it was art school.
[00:08:12] FAWN: I don't know what they call it, when you go to an expensive art school, another story. Um, so what I did was I was pretty much disowned by my, I was disowned by my family. I had to leave, I got to leave the city of Los Angeles and totally go to this. Other city, San Francisco, and I went to one of the most prestigious art schools.
[00:08:33] FAWN: I got myself in. I talked myself in, I showed them my portfolio. I got in, paid a lot of money. All the money I had saved throughout my childhood, right? I was always doing something. I was making t-shirts, I was working many jobs. I was photographing, I was shooting portraits. So I saved all this and I had enough for one semester of tuition, which was a lot of money.
[00:09:00] FAWN: Mm-hmm. And once I started, all of a sudden I was so nervous. It was such a big deal. There was so much pressure I put on myself that A, to get into this school, number one, was very difficult right. Then to get myself there was very difficult. I was on my own. I was a kid, right? 18 years old, no family. Didn't know where I was gonna sleep when I landed in San Francisco.
[00:09:25] FAWN: Completely on my own. Made friends found a way to get around San Francisco was very scary back then. It's now scary again, by the way. Right? Right. , so, Once I started school, everyone started doing their artwork and we would have critiques and everything. Week after week after week, I had nothing. I was so stuck.
[00:09:51] FAWN: I was so afraid to take one picture because I needed it to be perfect. Mm-hmm. Here I was at this prestigious art school. It was the beginning of my career. Finally, I was getting somewhere, but I couldn't do anything. I was frozen. And I was crying. I was so scared I went to the dean, or maybe I was asked to go to the dean.
[00:10:12] FAWN: I don't remember. But it was like being at the principal's office, right? Mm-hmm. And, and she said, I want you to get out. And I'm like, get out. Is she firing me? Like, is she, is she saying I'm, I'm, is she kicking me out of school, right? No. She told me to take a day off to leave school. You're not allowed to come to school tomorrow.
[00:10:36] FAWN: I want you to go to the playground and play on the swing set. That's what I want you to do, and everything will come to you when you're swinging. And I think I asked her why and, and, or maybe I didn't. Maybe it's a, a conversation I had in my own head trying to understand why she told me mm-hmm. To do that.
[00:10:57] FAWN: But I did. And I did, and I think it was because I. I got to play. And I never in my childhood really played. And when I met you, Matt, you asked me how I play and what I do for fun. And I could never answer you right? Just because I'm always so serious and I wanna get things done. Mm-hmm. And I'm like very like, motivated to just accomplish things.
[00:11:22] FAWN: I, you know, I always feel like I'm on my own, so there's this pressure. 
[00:11:26] MATT: Thanks babe. 
[00:11:27] FAWN: No, but do you know what I'm saying? Saying like, I do, 
[00:11:31] MATT: I. No, no, that, that, that's one of those like humongous things for people is at some point they forget how to play. And you know what? Playing is creativity. It's experimentation, it's screwing up, it's, you know, finding something awesome in the middle of chaos.
[00:11:50] FAWN: It's, well, it's a brave thing to do also because you're using your imagination. You're laughing in the face of fear.
[00:11:58] FAWN: Right.
[00:11:59] FAWN:  
[00:11:59] FAWN: You're laughing in the face of some major constraints 
[00:12:02] FAWN: in front of you and you're basically saying, ha ha, I'm going to defy gravity. But that also gets me back to the whole topic today of worrying. The topic is twofold.
[00:12:15] FAWN:  One is worrying, but one is also what we do for each other as friends. Mm-hmm. We can go on a car ride. We could have a cup of water together, a cup of tea, help each other with something we know, like we made friends with our neighbors. They're teaching me how to garden. All my life I wanted to grow things.
[00:12:39] FAWN: Matt and I have tried to grow many things and nothing. Whoa, whoa, 
[00:12:43] MATT: whoa, Buckaroo. Okay. I can grow stuff. I just don't. You can grow stuff. I'll make, I'll make that bold claim today. 
[00:12:51] FAWN: We tried to plant all those sunflowers we 
[00:12:53] MATT: planted according to your rules. Why didn't you say something? I, cuz I don't know how to plant sunflowers.
[00:13:00] MATT: I wouldn't have tried to grow. Nevermind, 
[00:13:02] FAWN: Matt, you're making me mad now. So all this time you knew how to plant stuff. I know how to grow stuff, but you never told me this. This is brand new information. So anyway. But you know, developing friendships by teaching each other, not holding back, Matt, God. Now I'm mad.
[00:13:21] FAWN: Now I'm mad. Anyway, so I looked at the etymology of worry. Check this out. This is what it says.
[00:13:28] FAWN: Origin is Western German, and then later old English. In middle English the original sense of the verb gave rise to the meaning " seize by the throat and tear". 
[00:13:41] MATT: Oof. Nice
[00:13:43] FAWN: later, figuratively "harass whence cause anxiety to". But to seize by the throat, that's what worry means. So basically we're strangling ourselves with worry and the message that keeps coming to me in the past couple weeks has been.
[00:14:03] FAWN: That
[00:14:04] FAWN: worrying about something. The act of worrying is the act of praying for the thing you don't want to happen.
[00:14:12] FAWN: So that's why I said when you have friends, Instinctively when someone was freaking out about something, we would do the opposite or we would say the opposite, or we would think the opposite. So I'm here today to tell you whatever you're thinking about, what would be the opposite of it, and just concentrate on that.
[00:14:32] FAWN: What do you have to say, Matt? 
[00:14:35] MATT: Absolutely. Also, Just discussing things with friends tends to, particularly if it's a deep seated, kind of unrealistic fear that you have, that you're emotionally attached to. Your friends are emotionally attached to you, but they're not emotionally attached to whatever it is you're concerned about.
[00:14:54] MATT: And so they can help blunt that whole feeling. Shared joy is increased, shared pain is decreased, and we need to keep these things in mind. So it can be a really kind of cathartic experience and I've had my own moments where oof down in the depths and sometimes it was just having a conversation with a friend who wasn't in what I would felt like I was in that helped me realize that it's a ridiculousness that I'm in right now and or it's smaller than I'm making it out to be. You know, they talk about, um, if you focus on your worry, you bring it into existence. That's one saying that's very, very kind of relevant. That, you know, as soon as you start thinking about it, you're, you're giving it power.
[00:15:45] MATT: And so to strive as hard as you can, never even to worry about that would be the ultimate goal because then you would never, you'd never waste a brain cell or a tho or waste time thinking about what might happen. Waste your energy, waste your energy, waste your currency, waste 
[00:16:06] FAWN: your life force 
[00:16:07] MATT: worrying about something that maybe will never happen.
[00:16:12] FAWN: But you know, even if it is going to happen, thinking about the opposite will have the opposite happen instead. You can change 
[00:16:19] MATT: it and there you go. What you focus on grows. You 
[00:16:22] FAWN: can change the path. It's like a long time ago, Tony Robbins. Um, I would, I would take courses, you know? Mm-hmm. And, and also it also, at the same time, when I was a kid, I was learning how to drive.
[00:16:36] FAWN: It was the same lesson. You have to focus on where you wanna go, not where you're going. So if a, if a car is spinning out, you don't go with where the car is going. You have to focus on where you want the car to go in order to get yourself to get out of the spin out, spitting outta control. When I was learning to drive mm-hmm.
[00:16:57] FAWN: I kept looking at the hood of the car and I couldn't drive in a straight line. I couldn't drive straightforward and I didn't know why. And I was using all my muscles on the steering wheel. Mm-hmm. And the driving instructor was laughing, but she told me to look a couple blocks ahead. Don't look at the, why are you looking at the hood of the car, right?
[00:17:19] FAWN: I don't know. 
[00:17:22] MATT: Well, yeah, mountain biking. If you focus on the troublesome spot, you're gonna hit the troublesome spot. If you focus on 10 feet down the trail, that's where you're gonna go. And that's what makes it easy. I mean, there were trails that I rode on in like LA that was basically the top of the hill.
[00:17:41] MATT: It was the knife edge they, they call it. And you know, sometimes it was single track on top of the hill. So if you turn too far any the direction, wow, that's a long way down. It was just about focusing on what was in front of me and how beautiful it was and the trail. It was not about, Ooh, what's over there on the left, cuz yeah, problem.
[00:18:03] FAWN: So if you're not happy with the moment, the surroundings, focus on what you want. Focus on what you want. That's it. And if you don't have someone to hang out with, call me, email me. Us, email us. You have a friend in us. We're here for you. We can think of something outrageously fun to do.
[00:18:28] FAWN: We can get ourselves to a better situation. We can have some fun and enjoy life. 
[00:18:37] MATT: We can get some perspective. Mm-hmm. I always talk about, sometimes I'll just take a day off from work and I'll call it gaining altitude that day, and it's just about doing something that makes me feel good. Mm-hmm. That's all it's about.
[00:18:53] FAWN: And this goes across the board, not just financially, spiritually, but like let's think about the things in our society that are so wrong. I don't wanna protest it. It never gets anywhere. They just shut you down when you protest. But if we can together one by one, create what we do want, create a sense of security, create security, period, help each other out, create our own utopias, it's very much possible in an instant.
[00:19:31] FAWN: Because we're not alone. We're here together and we are all talented in so many ways. And when we pull our friendship together, meaning we pull our resources together, we have a beautiful society. And , that's the message for today. But it's been the message on every single podcast we've done, every single episode.
[00:19:53] FAWN: It's the My Life force, my breath, that is what it's about. my life's existence. I mean, one of the major things is friendship, and that's what I'm here to share with you. And you too, Matt. Matt is shaking 
[00:20:06] MATT: his head Yes. I'm shaking my head because of course. Nevermind. What? Of course. What? Well, we're just having a conversation.
[00:20:12] MATT: You and me. Yeah. 
[00:20:13] FAWN: And we forget, Matt forgets. We're on a podcast all the time, and he'll make gestures and stuff. I'm like, oh my God. Do you wanna be on video? I don't wanna be on video. No, no, no. Not That's quite alright. All right. Well that's it. Do you have anything else to add? 
[00:20:28] MATT: Just the standard, what you focus on grows.
[00:20:31] MATT: So focus on the good spend, your currency wisely. Emotional, spiritual, physical. 
[00:20:37] FAWN: Right, And if there's only a certain amount in your bank account, whether it's money or spiritual currency, don't think about it. Instead, think about what you want in there instead. Was that my stomach?
[00:20:50] FAWN: That wasn't mine. Alright guys, love you. Talk to you in just a few days. Be well. Talk to you later. Love you. Reach out to us. Bye.