The Art of the Party - "Making Memories: Planning Parties That Honor Friendship"

The Party

Fawn: [00:00:00] Hi, everybody. Welcome back.

MATT: Hello. How is everybody doing out there?

Fawn: So over the weekend, the next door neighbor Uh

MATT: oh. No, really?

Fawn: What?

MATT: We're going there?

Fawn: No, not that. Not that neighbor. Oh, okay. When you were asleep, there was a party going on next door. And next door they have, it's a beautiful house. And they have a swimming pool. They had a party it went on for a few hours.

It was really loud, and I felt so alone. Oh, well I was,

MATT: I was asleep, so I get it.

Fawn: I think the kids did too. Aww. I'm like, can you guys see what they're doing from your bedrooms? They're like, no, it's too bushy. You know, the trees are lush. Anyway, but I went out there and it was pitch black. Their noise actually gave me bravery to go out.

You know? Into the dark and sit outside, like on our little [00:01:00] deck. Because normally I'm scared of the bears and the coyotes and all the animals that come out at night that howl and scare me. So I'm like, I just felt more brave with the music and party happening. And so I sat out there and it was so nice.

But then I realized how lonely I feel.

MATT: Oh dear.

Fawn: Like, I'm like, I really, I don't know. I don't even know how to have a good time. I've, I've felt that way most of my life. Like, wow, they know how to party. Like, I was inspired by their party. Like, it was like a good time. It was a good time. And I'm like, wow, I don't even think.

And maybe it was just my mood last night. Or maybe it's my mood these days. I don't know. I think I'm not a party person. And usually when we say party, I think from our generation, we think, oh, you know, it's like the party animal, [00:02:00] that's not it.

It's the art of the party. It's the art of entertainment. It's the art of having a good time. And I think that is one of the keys to friendship. And so this house, they had a pool. They had great music there was so much laughter and singing that I started to cry sitting there in the dark all by myself. And then the weirdest thing happened.

So there are these fireflies that I look at every night and I've noticed that if I call out to them, they come near me, but I don't see what they look like. It's just a flash of light. I don't see. A bug. Right,

MATT: because it's dark.

Fawn: and then they'll come near my face and I'll just see a little blink, but I don't see it, right?

So last night, I saw, because I was standing there and this little bug came and landed right on the little planter, it landed there and it lit up. it blinked, the light [00:03:00] came on and off, on and off, enough for me to know it's

a firefly. And then it just sat there the whole time with me. And then I started crying, I'm like, oh, it's my friend. Oh

MATT: dear.

Fawn: So then I started to think, what makes a good party? How can we have a good time? And I remembered, well, I do it. Amidst life, especially the last couple decades, we have not been the type to really entertain a lot, because one, we've moved so many times, and we've moved so many times, , weird neighbors, and confined space, no room.

But I started to think, okay, I do know how to make things festive, and I started to think, well, okay. Like, remember for Valentine's Day when we were totally down and out, and the kids were little, I taught them how to use scissors, and I taught them how to cut heart shapes, and we must have cut out like 300 shapes took thread, like sewing thread, and I taped them on [00:04:00] and hung them from the ceiling.

So when you open the front door in the entryway, the wind, a breeze would make them all dance, but also they were low enough or high enough that they would kiss your forehead, you, cause I'm too short, and so are the

MATT: kids,

Fawn: like they would kiss your forehead, coming and going. And I thought that was such a beautiful way to greet.

coming into the house and also going out into the world to remind you of love. Right. A ceremony, if you will. And I thought, okay, that's part of a party. You know, I've always incorporated things in life, but do I know how to create a party? And if I think, if I, if I think about it, I think I can.

So I made a list of what I think would make a great, friendly environment for a party. Like , what are the key elements of creating a memorable, beautiful, warm, safe, fun environment for a party? [00:05:00] Where you can whoop it up and enjoy life. Do you want to hear my list?

MATT: Well, first of all, I just want to hit pause for a second.

And I mean, party. Party is an interesting word. I would say that you excel at the intimate gathering. Making a small group of people feel very welcome in our home. At the drop of a hat or on a planned schedule.

Fawn: Well, that's the Persian in me, but always ready to do that,

MATT: but you're talking about like 10 20 people, right?

Fawn: I'm talking about no, it could even be like two people. I was thinking about it Why can't it just be the four of us? You know, it doesn't have to be a big 30 or 200 people It's just about putting the intention of having a fun time out

MATT: there Right, like when we do karaoke on a Friday night

Fawn: We haven't done that in a long time.

MATT: And that's not

Fawn: fun for me because I don't like our karaoke machine. It's super cheap and it sounds bad. [00:06:00] I need a, I need the proper microphone. You know what I mean? Like the sound is just bad. And the music is just, it doesn't match the levels of, of It doesn't work for me, that mic. That whole karaoke machine.

And it's no fun because you guys pick, like, really, like gut wrenching songs. I'm not into it. Sometimes. Sometimes not. It's not fun. I don't know, that's not fun for me for some reason. I don't know why. I don't know why.

MATT: Anywho, okay, so what are the ingredients for a party party blowout?

Fawn: Okay, so here's my idea of the art of the party.

I would say there are eight main things to have. Number one good company. And as I was out there in the yard, I was like, okay, if I went to a party feeling the way I do, I don't think I would be a good guest because I'm like, kind of down.

We need, people who go to a party need to go with the intention of letting [00:07:00] loose. Having a good time. Not taking anything seriously. Being open to laughter, being open to relaxation, being open to being, open, period. Having your arms out to the world, you know? Like your chest open, your heart open.

I just feel like, me personally, I feel heavy. My soul feels heavy. I'm always worried, and, and, and then that got me thinking, I'm, I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way. There's a lot of anxiety, and I'm like, This is why people turn to drugs and alcohol, and that's why I think so many parties have alcohol.

It's a crutch. It's an aid people use. Sometimes

MATT: people will call it a social lubricant. Yes.

Fawn: I've seen too many people get sick and sloppy and they break things. Right. I'm a neat freak.

I don't like a mess. So I just want to have people be present. I want to be [00:08:00] present. I want to be present to a good time. I don't want to be, ineebreated? How do you say that?

MATT: Ineebreated.

Fawn: Ineebreated. Ugh. I just want to have a good time, I want to have a good conversation, and I want to let loose.

And I think I can do that. I do do that. I'm able to do that. People often think that I'm on drugs because I can't switch like that, but I have to be in the proper mindset to do that. So, so that was number one. Good company. People who enjoy life and have a festive mood. So, that is an element to having the party.

And even if you're not, totally feeling like, the life of the party, at least being open. To it is the key. I think. Number two is music. Not just one type of music and maybe this is why I don't like karaoke with you guys I was okay so I was listening to the party going on next door

MATT: right

Fawn: and they had music from all [00:09:00] decades And as we were talking to the neighbor who was having the party who was apologizing to us for the noise Which by the way, I'm like, actually I prefer that noise That sound it's a happy sound

MATT: right.

Fawn: It's a welcome sound for me I'd like it, as opposed to people fighting or you're hearing sirens or you know an ugly sound it's a pretty sound I was thinking about their choice of music and as we were talking to her She let us know like who's there like not that we know these people but the age Was young adults, to all the way into their 60s.

And that makes sense because their music covered the whole gamut. I guess they had karaoke, but their karaoke sounded perfect. Either that, or they were all just singing with the songs. I don't know if they were doing karaoke, but with every song, they were all singing together. Anyway, number three, food and drinks is so [00:10:00] important, to enjoy.

I think it's all about enjoying all the senses, enjoying taste and scent and, temperature, visuals, like all of that. But food and drinks, number four, having an activity. So they were all singing together, right? Something that bonds everyone together. Something that everyone is doing together nothing contrived.

Nothing like, okay, everybody sit here. This is what we're going to do now. You know what I'm saying? Not like that. Something that naturally moves people to be festive together. Something they can do together. Number five is ambience. Make it beautiful, set the mood, have an intention of what you want the mood to be.

I'm not saying theme necessarily, but like, have an intention the other one is hospitality.

Hospitality to ensure your guests, your friends, feel [00:11:00] welcomed and comfortable. Something that, gives them a clear direction creating a friendly atmosphere. It's really good when you have signs everywhere, like where the bathroom is or, or like to help people navigate around, remember when we had signs at every table at our wedding, it wasn't just the table number.

There was an intention we put on every table. Um, So, when people were picking up the little cards to, where they were sitting, it was the love table, every table had an intention that matched the people. Um. you could have signs for drinks, and these days everybody's like, they need to know what the ingredients are.

MATT: Right.

Fawn: Right? A sign saying coat check, so that people know how to navigate, providing people with guidance, wouldn't it be nice to have people, friends that can tell other people. what's available to them like, if someone needs help, there's someone that's loosely in charge of like, [00:12:00] oh, are you looking for an aspirin?

Okay, here it is. Or are you looking for water? Here it is. Oh, you don't know where the bathroom is? It's over there. Do you know what I'm saying? Yes. Accessibility, making sure that everyone can navigate safely inside the party. Thank you. inside the house, making sure that things are safe.

communication, like when friends, guests arrive, give them a quick overview in a casual way as part of their welcome, like a little welcome package or a little greeting. But making sure that everyone gets that

MATT: right.

Fawn: and then going back to this kind of goes back to the and by the way, we're still at number six, hospitality.

Creating a friendly atmosphere. You need to have a warm welcome, which again, that's why I was thinking of our heart forest that I put up in our apartment, a warm welcome, greeting each person personally as they arrive. A friendly welcome to set a positive tone for the event,

the party, [00:13:00] introducing your guests to one another. Making sure that you as the host, you interact with everybody. Having an inclusive environment where people don't develop cliques. People get comfortable sticking together with someone they know

just making sure that that doesn't happen. That you gently integrate isolated guests into the group. You want to create positive vibes. I was thinking to myself How do you create a positive vibe? How can you have an upbeat tone? As a host It's your job to set the attitude set the behavior set the example So you can't be running around just being a maid Or a butler.

You have to be in a good mood. I heard someone talk about the best weddings that they've been to have been the ones where the people getting married are just carefree. They are laughing and having a good time. But if they're stressed out, the whole place is stressed out. So no matter what is happening, it's [00:14:00] To be carefree like that,

MATT: right.

Fawn: And that's in life too, no matter what is happening. To be carefree and laugh at the face of danger. To laugh at negativity. It's very addictive.

MATT: Yes.

Fawn: It's catchy. your enthusiasm is contagious is what I'm trying to say. Um, And then making sure, once again, that the space is comfortable,

if they want to sit, lie down, whatever, it is, you just want people to enjoy, here's, One thing that comes from our wedding is conflict management.

MATT: Oh dear, here it comes. We

Fawn: learned a lot from our wedding. I think we should write a book about everything we learned from having a wedding.

We had so many things happen. We had one major brawl. It was a beautiful wedding, but like, people, I swear. So one of the things we started to tell all of our friends who were getting married after us So the first thing we did when we got the request was get security. [00:15:00] And people looked at us like we were crazy and then looked at us like, Oh, well that's not gonna happen to me because I don't have crazy people in my family, you know?

Or that's not, and then people actually followed our advice thinking, Oh that won't happen but okay! And they came back to us and said that was the best advice. And I think to have conflict management in place,

MATT: Yes.

Fawn: In every situation, not just a party., to just be prepared to discreetly handle any conflicts or issues.

MATT: Right. That arise,

Fawn: you know, to maintain a positive space.

MATT: Absolutely. Usually the way I'll frame it is, Uh, this is somebody who's just gonna take care of whatever randomness happens. Be it conflict, be it, the, where's the cake, be it, it doesn't matter. This person's job is to, or people's job, is to make sure the event goes smoothly.

And then people start to understand it. But [00:16:00] it's like, okay, you're the one, if anything weird happens, you're the one who takes care of it. You don't look around, because that's what everybody ends up doing. They end up just looking around like, are you going to do what Can you believe what we just saw? Dot, dot, dot.

Fawn: I just think for a wedding it's different because you, you said you should, we should have friends, certain friends to take care of things at a wedding. You want them to have a good time. You don't want them to be working. But I think like there should be a paramedic kind of a person that, you know, make sure that no one falls over or, or if they do, they're taken care of.

Or if someone's totally on drugs or something or alcohol that they're taken care of. a separate person that can handle very discreetly someone who's there to cause a problem and very discreetly and without them even knowing, having them leave. You know what I'm saying? Without any commotion. So that's why I was like, no, we need to hire security because that's their job.

They look [00:17:00] like they're blending and they're, they look like they're guests, but they're like incognito security is what I was saying. Okay. Like when our friends are getting married that was my advice and you were like no just have one of the groomsmen do it But then they can't have a good time.

MATT: Right?

Fawn: Anyway, but that's for a wedding. But at a party I think we can loosely say Hey, you're in charge of drinks. You're in charge of hydration. Like different people to be in charge of different things. What do you think?

MATT: Depends on the size of the party and the people coming. Right. Because I think about some successful parties we have thrown and Generally speaking, we were a hundred percent sure of every single guest who was showing up. So The party went off without a hitch. It was pretty simple where you know, it feels like we might get into Interesting situations is when we're inviting people over for the first time or people.

We've just met or

Fawn: you never know Matt Anyone can have a [00:18:00] bad day anyone

MATT: can you

Fawn: know? They could have taken medication and then maybe slipped up and like had a sip of wine and things go awry You know what? I'm saying or they haven't eaten You And they have a drink. And they don't feel so good. You know what I'm saying?

It could be anything can happen. Just be, just being prepared for that.

Okay, so. As far as the, hospitality part, the last note I wrote down for myself is, gratitude. Making sure that you tell everyone how grateful you are for their presence. It's always good, and you know, as I'm saying all this, this is like key to friendship, period. I think a party is just , a microcosm of the whole friendship vibe, correct?

Out in the world. Yeah. To remind people how grateful you are for them being in your life. So how grateful you are that they're there okay. So now going to number seven seven out [00:19:00] of the eight things that I wrote down Seven is wouldn't it be nice to have a surprise element at every party a little surprise?

a little a surprise could be Look, you guys I made everyone tiramisu Yay, you know what I'm saying or or like it could be a gift or it could be Someone coming over that can sing really well, a spontaneous Concert I'm I can't think of a bunch of things Again, because I'm not in a party mode at this moment in my life But I'd like to be anyway, so number eight and if I've actually covered this but number eight safety and comfort.

So I'll say it again, good company, music, food and drinks, activities, ambiance, hospitality, a surprise element, safety and comfort. Those are my eight keys to a good [00:20:00] party. But the music, it definitely has to have many generations. Of music involved. And the kind of music where people can sing.

Sing to. Music that everyone knows.

And why are you looking at my notes?

MATT: Because.

Fawn: Why were you just looking at my notes? I just

MATT: am.

Fawn: What were you thinking?

MATT: I was thinking. Did she mention? Did she mention? Parties should be fun.

Did you mention fun?

Fawn: Well, I said, I don't know how to have fun, but this was my inspiration to have a fun atmosphere. This was the whole point of my talk. Hello. Well, okay then, we're good.

MATT: For goodness sake. It, it, it does sound, it comes across very interestingly, philosophically too.

Fawn: What do you mean?

MATT: Just Like, in Buddhism, you're supposed to do the right speech, right profession, right action, right thought.

And here we are, good company, good intention. So

Fawn: that's all. Have you been to a really good [00:21:00] party? Of

MATT: course!

Fawn: That you, really, you can think of one? Oh yeah. I can think of

MATT: several. One was in college.

Fawn: What made it great?

MATT: The dancing. I don't dance. I don't, I didn't learn how to dance until we had our oldest.

But. I danced my little butt off at this party. I don't know what they played, some Rolling Stones, but I don't know what else they played, but it was intense. It was a lot of fun.

Fawn: Yeah, I can see that.

MATT: Just, and I spent the entire time on the dance floor.

Fawn: Nice.

MATT: Yeah, it was an intense night.

Fawn: For me, I can't even think of one. What was another one for you? Yeah

MATT: when we lived in um,

Fawn: Port Townsend

MATT: up on top Yeah that party that was a really really party. We had a party. We had like we had a party six or eight people over I don't remember I do because it was a really nice [00:22:00] time because Everybody was a really good guest.

Fawn: I don't remember and

MATT: everybody was like Asking good questions and having fun stories and being very conscientious and thoughtful and thankful and You know, it didn't hurt that everybody was like, wow, look at this view, but that was almost secondary to it. It was just fun. It was just mellow, but fun. And it was a spontaneous party.

Fawn: And that was in Port Townsend? That was in Port Townsend. Port Townsend, Washington. Great, great town, by the way, if you ever visit Washington State. Port Townsend is magical.

MATT: And then I think about a really bad party we threw and that was in on Bainbridge Uh our pseudo. Hey, we're having a baby.

Hey, how's it going? Wait? Why was that bad over? I just felt like a maid the whole time Felt like I was that's because I

Fawn: was totally pregnant and you actually had to do some work [00:23:00] I did I

MATT: didn't

Fawn: stop doing

MATT: the

Fawn: work. That's because I was pregnant. Usually I take care of everything never

MATT: talked to anybody I just Put out food, heated food, cleaned up.

Fawn: You basically did my job. Yes,

MATT: exactly. I don't enjoy that.

Fawn: This is why I have a hard time thinking of a really good party that we've had. But the

MATT: party in Port Town, I was like, just chilling, having a good time.

Fawn: Again I was taking care of all of that. Anyway, I remember a party at Port Towns and it was New Year's Eve.

And what made it fun for me was The pre party. Remember? Our friends. Remember she was the town interior designer? And her partner? They invited us over to their loft. And it was a costume party and we didn't have anything to wear and we went into their loft and it was a magical space.

It was so artistic and lovely [00:24:00] and grown up at the same time, but not. And we had such a fun time just because they were so giving, you know, they were like, well, try this on and try that on. And It was more fun than the actual party for me. Was that the prep for it and their excitement for it. And the fact that this town drop of a dime has parades and parties all the time.

That was inspiring. Um, I don't know for me, much like when you're hungry and you're craving food, much like when you're craving a vacation where you get to relax, like I crave being somewhere out in nature, like in a big beautiful yard, where I don't have to worry about a bear or like wolves or something popping out of the bushes, but where I can just whoop it up and not worry about a neighbor yelling at me, where I [00:25:00] can just like, not yell, but go woohoo, you know, like.

Just belt it out and jump around and not worry about oh the neighbor downstairs is gonna freak out Yeah, but if you were to do

MATT: that here, I'd be like what's going on? What's going on? What happened? What do you mean? Well, it's bigger than neighbors, right? Like I was thinking about yelling out the window yesterday just to yell out the window and I was like Oh, I better not because somebody get up somebody be confused

Fawn: Yeah, the space always feels weird, but then again look They had a party next door.

They didn't care. They had music in their yard, which is pretty much, like, a few feet away from us. They didn't care. They had a good time. I had a good time too, but I also felt sad. Sitting there in the dark by myself. Uninvited. Not that they should invite me. They don't know us, but still. Do you know what I'm saying?

I do. I'm [00:26:00] like And then, at one point, I wanted to tell them to shut up. And I stopped myself. Not that I would have done it. But, oh, in Santa Monica, I totally would have done it because it was funny. Like, God forbid anyone made any noise in the neighborhood, I would be out the window telling them to knock it off.

But, ironically, it was funny. Like, I wasn't really serious. Do you know what I'm saying? Everything was a joke and everything was funny. And I was the loudest person in the neighborhood, which makes it funny. Like, I was the loudest. Person that always made noise So if someone was like drunk or like everyone was like out there making some noise i'd be like Hanging out my window telling them to be quiet But it was it was ironic.

It was funny. It wasn't I wasn't serious really most the time but I wanted to tell them to shut up, and I realized I'm doing it because my [00:27:00] feelings are hurt because I am left out, and I thought, wow, that explains to me, like I, I had this understanding of the people that are Grinches, Grinch, is that the word?

MATT: Grinch, Scrooge.

Fawn: The people that are so negative and like hateful, it's because they feel left out.

MATT: Right. And there are points in time we all feel left out.

Fawn: And honestly, at some point, the party was so much fun and so loud and lovely that I felt like they were mocking me. You know what I'm saying? Like, look at us.

We're all together, having a good time, drinking, eating, singing, dancing. Oh, you're there sitting alone in your In your, uh, on your

MATT: rocking chair,

Fawn: in your living room, on your broken sofa, trying to watch anything on TV, but there's nothing on. Oh, too bad. We're having such a good time here. Do you know what I mean?

I felt mocked for a [00:28:00] second. No, I'm just saying I felt these emotions. I'm like, Oh my God, this is what's happening with people in general.

MATT: Right.

Fawn: I'm like, wow. So I went out to just enjoy the night air and like, to hear them better, to hear their music better, to kind of like, what's the word for it? When you, uh, vicariously live, live vicariously through, yeah, I wanted to do that.

And then when that little, Lightning bug, what's, what are they called again? Firefly. When the little firefly came and sat next to me and then I started crying uncontrollably, like sobbing. Because that's what you do. Quietly sobbing in the dark.

MATT: With the party happening. Right over to Hedge.

Fawn: Anyway, so So that's it's interesting matt because now i'm looking at one of our paintings that's up in here.

It says celebrate. Yep We need to celebrate more you guys No matter what even if it's just one person. [00:29:00] I think I was thinking about it I think I want to go and find one of those blow up, pools for toddlers. You know those things you blow up? Mhm. And you pour water in it? Bears

MATT: love hanging out in those.

Fawn: No, I just want to get that. Take some music out there, make myself some lemonade. You know, invite the kids and you. Have some music out there and go woohoo in the middle of the day. And have that be our swimming pool. And it's super small. Oh. So we'll just empty it when we're done so the bears don't come in.

I don't know. I think it's time to do whatever we can, in our most tiniest of ways, to celebrate. No matter what is going on. Especially when things are messed up. Especially when there's fear, uncertainty and doubt. It's time to celebrate. You know? In your face. In your face, negative world. In your face.

I'm just going to have a good time, [00:30:00] That's my message. Sounds good. Okay. Anything to add?

MATT: Sounds good. Let's do it.

Fawn: Yeah, let's do it, which means I have to take care of everything. And then I'm exhausted. So by the time everything's laid out, I'm like, I'm tired. I don't have time to whoop it up. I don't have the energy.

So anyway, I have to figure it out.

MATT: Now how about if we figure it out?

Fawn: How about if you just do it? Help me do it.

MATT: There you go. That's better.

Fawn: But you have to, I don't want to be the one saying now do this and do that because that's exhausting too there needs to be a partnership and I feel like I'm the one who has to like think of it and do it and then clean up afterwards.

And lately I can't even clean up afterwards and I'm talking about just a dinner. At the end of the days now, like I'm in pain. I'm so Like in pain. I'm exhausted. [00:31:00] It's a lot of mental exhaustion also Thank goodness the kids are helping out. I'm like I can't I can't even imagine having a party or like whooping it up But I want to anyway.

Thanks guys for listening. That is my that is my thing today This message for this week. Is that thunder like do I hear thunder? It was supposed

MATT: to rain

Fawn: I keep thinking the kids are moving the furniture, but I think it's thunder. Okay All right. I'm gonna go check out the thunder. I love it All right, thank you so much have a beautiful every day be well we'll talk to you soon