The Hostage Friend?

The Hostage Friend
Fawn: [00:00:00] Welcome back to our friendly world everyone and it is a friendly world despite what may seem like is going on sometimes and despite what goes on in our minds and Despite the, what do you call it when you're in disbelief, when you doubt, doubt, despite the doubt that comes into your mind. 
MATT: Right, like I kept saying last night, suspend disbelief, suspend disbelief.
Fawn: So, cause we were watching a movie and I, for once I was finding all the plots, the plot holes. 
MATT: The plot holes, and there were, and there were many. I was just. Pleasant. I was trying as hard as I could to ignore them, but yeah, they were gaping and sitting 
Fawn: right there. I don't even remember what movie we were watching.
What was it? Oh, we were watching The Grand Tour. Oh gosh, it wasn't a movie. And it's, 
MATT: it's, it's three middle, it's three old men rattling around Africa. 
Fawn: Top gear, everybody. The original top gear. [00:01:00] 
MATT: Challenging. 
Fawn: It made me mad. As it should. Because, anyway, it's another story. Never mind. I digress. Never mind. So, years ago, Matt and I lived on an island in Washington state and we felt so isolated and that is where this momentum really came about of us starting a friendship movement.
a friendship, like, something that definitely put it out there. out there like, hey, we need to pay attention to this everyone. And so that's where this whole podcast, this whole when we had our dating website for platonic friendships, , this is where it stemmed from. So, we lived on an island and it was like, um, we came from, first of all, we came from Santa Monica and we were friends with everyone in the neighborhood.
We knew everyone, everyone knew us. It was such a beautiful mentorship of friendship living in that neighborhood. If you want to find out more, go to the [00:02:00] very first episode where I explain all this and why we started what we did. So, when we lived on this island, that's where we gave birth, where I gave birth to our kids.
And it was so lonely, you guys. And the only interaction we really had came from two places. One was from town and country market. Which is actually a very famous grocery store. And lovely people there, too. Amazing people. I mean, everyone who worked there was very I don't want to use the word special because it can have negative connotations or like strange connotation.
But Everyone who worked there was genuinely the kindest, most caring person. It was like, we, we asked them about this and we're like, is this a prerequisite for you to like, be a certain kind of a human to work here? And once you understand the history of the market you [00:03:00] understand, that's where it all roots from.
That's how the market really began. Was a friendship. It's a beautiful story of friendship. We should do a story on that. Maybe. So, what hap Okay. So, I'm, I'm prefacing all this right now because it seems like I'm gonna go on a very negative tangent with this episode, and I'm not. But, our main, interactions with people was this grocery store, and there was a coffee shop across the street, the Blackbird Coffee Shop.
Right. And that was, that was it, guys. We lived on an island. People were not friendly on this island. That is true. And the people who worked at the grocery store didn't live on the island. They all commuted. So anyway, it was very bizarre. all of our friends were from were from the grocery store. 
MATT: It seemed that way, yes, and probably is.
Fawn: It was. Can you name one? Oh, okay. Our friend. Okay. She worked at the bookstore. [00:04:00] Peggy. Right. And when Peggy would come over, Matt would say, is all of our friend coming over for dinner tonight? Would laugh. It was funny because it was true. Yes. 
MATT: It was funny and sad all at once. 
Fawn: Our only friends would like come over.
So, um, but all this happened to bring light to what was really going on in the country because I was also hearing things and noticing things. I felt like that was just being shown to me and not to Matt. So if I went out alone, certain things were said, certain actions happened, and when I would come home and tell Matt, Matt would be like You didn't, you wouldn't say you're making it up, but you're like, that's your imagination.
You're, you're 
MATT: overreacting. I took the most optimistic, interpretation I possibly could. 
Fawn: I mean, there were several things happening. It was when Obama was [00:05:00] just being elected. Right. Right. And people were really upset. Like, it was shocking what I was hearing. And also, like things that were said towards me, I was like, like one day I went to, an establishment and the lady slips a business card, like on the sly, she slides it in front of me. I'm like, what's this?
And she whispers, she whispers to me, if you have any trouble,
 
Fawn: and I'm like loud, I'm like, what are you talking about? What? So basically, long story short. It was a card with a number on it. Should I run into any problems, racially, if anyone gave me any problems, to call that number. Right. Like, if I needed help. And I'm like, oh my god, they definitely see me as non white.
I mean, I know I'm not white, but, do you know what I'm saying? I do. To the point of slipping me, Right. [00:06:00] on the down low, if you call it. I If I can say that. Right, it's tricky. You know, like Very quietly slipping me this note this card. Anyway, it was it was a strange existence living there going back to the story of friendship and the grocery store, especially there were times when I was like it isn't it interesting Matt that our only friends are at the grocery store and then I started to and this is where the thought comes in of like negative thinking like Just suspend disbelief, or like, stop, stop analyzing things, Cause you can go into a negative headspace.
So my headspace went to, they're only friends with us because really, they're friends that are held hostage. They are required to be nice to us. One, they're very nice to begin with. But, they're required to be friendly. And we were so desperate for human interaction. That I'm like, well, Matt, do you think we're misunderstanding that [00:07:00] maybe they're not friends?
Maybe I'm making it to be more than it actually is. Right. And then Who I considered best friends like it's a long story going forward. I don't want to get into that But today I want to talk about the hostage friend because I said in a way they're like being held hostage Because they're there they're forced to be there.
They're working there. They're obliged to To be in front of us and to have interaction with us. Right. So are they really friends? It's their job. So, anyway, today I looked up the word hostage, the etymology of hostage. Well, there's host in there. Exactly. So the etymology comes from late 13th century Old French, meaning kindness, hospitality, residence, dwelling, rent, tribute, compensation.
Guarantee. Pledge. Bail. Person given as security or hostage. And then, going to 11th century modern French, otage, which is of uncertain origin. [00:08:00] Like, I think it means they don't really know where it comes from, but host is definitely linked in there.
And so to further. Investigate the whole etymology of it. Going to host. A host is a person who receives guests. Especially for pay is what it says, Matt. So, like an innkeeper? Look, this is all it says. Okay, sorry. Person who receives guests, especially for pay. And I thought of the store, Also traced from Latin.
Hospitem? Guest. Strangers. Stranger. Sojourner. Visitor. Also, foreigner, which is what we were. We were such foreigners, right? Yes, we were. Also, host. One bound by ties of hospitality. 
Now, where do we go with this? Because it sounds so negative. It does. Right? But, the reason why we started the, one of the reasons why we started the matchmaking service, the matchmaking service to find [00:09:00] your best friend was to notice these things beforehand and not have your feelings hurt. There's so many relationships and there's so many things that we're bound to and to take a really good distant look at it.
 And by distant I mean to have a better perspective of it and not become so emotionally attached and charged by it. Mm hmm. It enables you to find your true friend. So taking a real look, like, is this person hanging out with me because I make them feel good? Is this person hanging out with me because they're getting something from me?
Or is this person genuinely loving me? Right? Right. So, that's, that's a message we've peppered all along through all of our episodes. And so, I just wanted to reiterate that. What do you have to say about the whole hostage friend? 
MATT: Well, there's a lot going on. A lot, uh, a lot to untangle because on some level, you're right, they are, [00:10:00] they're there, they, it's not like they can leave, but they can.
They can quit. They can move on. If they didn't enjoy having these types of interactions, they 
Fawn: wouldn't have them. Well, I'm not saying they didn't enjoy our company. They did. And they did come over to our home and stuff. You know, they were friends. There were friends ish. I would, I would, I would. But also, there's a certain boredom that happens at work.
So you do want to hang out. Right. But would they have really wanted to hang out with us had they not been at the store? Exactly. Like, did we ever hang out that they didn't really hang out? We didn't hang out. We invited them over, and sometimes they would come over, but they never invited us to anything in their lives.
Come to think of it. Well, 
MATT: also, though, I think we might have been running into certain class issues, and certainly because they were from the next town over, and the next town over was different. 
Fawn: It was definitely working class next town over. Now, me personally, I But we were also [00:11:00] working class, just happened to live on the island.
Well, 
MATT: are we? I've always felt a great deal of kinship and most of my friends come out of the working class, for sure, but do I belong there? I don't, 
Fawn: I wouldn't say yes. We're definitely, we're not, we're not, financially we're not of that other class. Well, 
MATT: I'm talking blue collar, white collar. Okay. Working class to me means blue collar.
Fawn: What do you call someone like me though? So maybe that's why, maybe I'm more blue collar. I don't know. I've been both because, I mean, I have been both. I've been An executive for a major corporation, but I've also had blue collar jobs. Anything to survive in between gigs. So, I don't know. Right. 
MATT: It is, it is interesting.
It also kind of circles around this whole concept on some level. Another type of, quote unquote, hostage friend is actually one of your, like, work friends. Because [00:12:00] in some ways you're both held captive. 
Fawn: Or school 
MATT: friends, same thing. Or school friends, same thing, exactly. And school friends certainly evolve, and work friends certainly evolve.
Would you necessarily have become friends with this person had you not worked with them? Or gone to school with them, you know, if you really think about your life, how many friends do you have that you haven't met in such a way, 
Fawn: which is interesting, which leads me to the whole spirituality of it and thinking about this, bringing this into your consciousness and thinking, what do I really want?
I'm looking for my true love. I'm looking for, and you know, true love, but , in respect to friendship, I'm looking for my true friends. And putting that out there, and that will bring you together. You have to ask for it. You have to announce it to the universe. I am looking for true friendship. 
MATT: Right.
There's, there's that. And as I [00:13:00] always like to say on for a number two point to that is more so than just intention, it's momentum. 
Fawn: So do you go out and join a club that you're interested in? Right. Do you join a martial arts school? Do 
MATT: you try and engage people? 
Fawn: When you see someone on the street with a sparkle or a pizzazz that only you can recognize because you vibe with that?
Saying, Hey, hello, hi, you know, 
MATT: exactly, exactly. Or if you're at the supermarket, do you engage in a conversation with, you know, the cashier? 
Fawn: But see, that's where we found our trouble was like we engaged the cash. Once again, it's captive, right? But 
MATT: it's a captive situation. It doesn't necessarily stay there.
Like there have been occasions where at work, you know, yes, it's captive, but it. It can grow up away from that and grow into something 
Fawn: much more real. I know. It's harder because [00:14:00] if you, if you meet someone who's in a captive situation, it's harder, right? Yes. So as opposed to like really putting it out there in the universe, saying what you want, what you desire and seeing how that comes and seeing the signs along the way.
That's a very quick message for today. Okay. It's a big one though. It is. It's a big one because trust me. I mean, It's How many years has it been, and I'm still, not hurt necessarily, but it's something that has been weighing on me this whole time, feeling sad in a way, like, wow, here I was thinking, I was creating family, but no, it was one sided.
So to save yourself the pain that we've had, we're here to talk about how to find the true friend, the true friend that lasts. Forever. And it's really to take a good look at things and be unbiased. What's the word, Matt, when you're [00:15:00] just like, you step aside? Is it pragmatic? What's the word?
You're 
MATT: I can't believe I'm at a loss for once. 
Fawn: You're not, you're not, you're not pursuing something with such desire and emotion to make it happen. You're not, uh, what's the word? You're not You're neutral, 
MATT: right? Well, you're not, 
Fawn: you're, you're neutral. Not that you're not neutral, but 
MATT: you're, you're, you're trying to keep your emotions out of it and you're trying to look at 
Fawn: it objectively.
Objectively is the word I was looking for. Hey, found a word. Thank you. Anyway, so that is the message for today, guys. It has to be quick. I have to run to class. I'm sorry. Okay. Hello, voice class. Voice training. Alright, love you guys so much. Thank you for listening again. You need to get a hold of us. You know how.
Ourfriendlyworldpodcast. com. Our email's in there. Reach out. We love you. Have a beautiful every day. Be well.